How I am? What is going on? So I am going to write about the discomfort that I have gone through since 2019.
I knew his house, but after 2019 the house kept throwing so many expectations, guilt, and hesitation. I was getting to know the kind of fights I have to give every day in this place. Even though you have a support from a person but your are the main face of this fight; you are going to be the person who will get looks, will get taunts, will be made guilty no matter the amount of support you receive. And if you are the person who has not worked on emotional regulation, hold yourself; you are getting into a roller coaster. My brain was confused because I was getting support from one end, but the other end was free and hence vulnerable. At that time, I thought I was so lucky I had a person who supported me. But I never questioned, "Why do I need support?" Why are we in the house? Why am I dependent? Let's answer: Why am I dependent? Why didn't I stand up for myself correctly? I was fighting the wrong fight for sure. Dependency was a virus that has spread deep inside me. I got that virus from my family and school, not because they were the best support I had as a child, but it's the other way around: the worst one a child can have. This makes me question how come I didn't take things into my own hands. One thing that comes to mind was my emotions were more focused on my mom, who I thought was in a worse situation than me, but now, when I look back, actually we both were in equally bad situations, and if I consider the age factor, I was in deeper water than hers. So I was actually asking myself how one lives life. What made me dependent. I remember once a friend told me that I am a kind of person who will tie myself to a hook of trust and then just fly, believing in that hook completely. I don't remember why I still remember that line. It feels very real and correct today. So what is happening with me there? Yes, I was dependent on acknowledgment, acceptance, and help from people, basically completely in denial that my problems are not as bad as other people's problems are. I guess it made me feel a bit better and gave me a sense of purpose. It also means my emotions were being suppressed. Today I feel that if you are suppressing your emotions, you are not maturing. So yes, I turned out to be an emotionally dysregulated person. Not only that, a person who was dependent on everyday issues for a sense of purpose, but also a person who never developed far-future sight; I was feeding on everyday feedback, which would backfire on me most of the time. I guess dependency spilled through me the moment I met him. When I met him I just wanted somebody to take care of me. Hear me, understand me, acknowledge my pain. Understand that I am coming from the war of survival.